Well I'll just be talking to myself with this blog whatsidoodad - I figure it's easier than me being all cheesy and picking up a pen and writing in a diary. *groan*
In short I'm here to give myself a good dressing down for becoming such a lazy sloth. I have no effing idea how I let myself get so beastly (OK, coulda been the unlimited food and zip exercise) and up past 110kg but high time I took the bull by the horns and sorted it out.
It's funny I, like most other fattyboomstix people have had many a "lightbulb moment" where you think if you hold that thought you can do about anything. I've lost count of how many lightbulb moments I've had but the clincher came last weekend as I was feeling a tad sad about my Mothers 10 anniversary of her death creeping up. A smidge of history....
My Mum and I fought like cat and dog for the better part of my whole life really. She actually adopted me at 10 days old and despite all that I was hers and she was mine, I loved her as any daughter loves their mother. Then she died. Shit, that wasn't in the plan. :-( She was only 52 years old and had so much ahead of her. I was angry for a looooong time that she smoked and this inevitably led to her early death.........I was pissed off that with her smoking all her life this gave her lung/brain/spinal cancer and robbed me of my mother, I was just 30 years old. Then last weekend I had another "lightbulb moment" in relation to my weightloss plans (lottttts of thinking and v. little doing!) and I realised that what my Mum did to me I could essentially be doing to my daughters. Everytime Mum put a cancer stick in her mouth she was well aware of the dangers. Am I any different for eating like a pig and being morbidly obese and not looking after myself? Hell my kids are only 8 & 3½ too!! I got blood results back and amazing on how 4 sheets of A4 you can all but see your life flash before you. My cholesterol is through the roof, my anaemia is diabolical, and every other level that was measured was pretty crap. Push comes to shove I am 172cm tall and should weigh about 70kgs...as of 31st March 2008 I weighed in at 111.0 ~~ jesus mary & joseph!!! I could carry my weight till about 90 kgs but the last 20kg just turned me into the classic 'fat chick' and I hate it. Didn't hate it enough clearly to stop shovelling whatever I wanted into my mouth at any time of the day, oops.
So that's where I'm at. I'm really hanging onto the thought about not doing to my kids what I felt Mum did to me. I felt she knew the risks and gambled, and subsequently lost, however I now know the risks of my obesity and I'm not making a poor choice like my Mum - I'm not 'gambling', my kids are too precious and too damn young!
In short I'll be as happy as a pig in whatsit if I can get to 90kgs...that truly would be my goal, even though it's still 20kg over where I technically should be. It's just that if I think of it like that I would have to lose about 40 kgs all up and quite simply that's too damn mega to even get my head around, I'll focus on 20 and shut up.
My plan? Ummm, dunno. Essentially just change from whatever I've been doing up till now, because clearly it's not worked. LOL I've bought the Tony Ferguson shakes for a bit of a laugh but moreso so I have somewhere to go each and every Monday to weigh-in...I really need that accountability I think. So yeah doing the meal replacement thingies morning and lunch and then just doing whatever I want for dinner. Push comes to shove I guess I would rather the journey took me 2 years rather than 7 months of pure hell IYKWIM? Slow and steady wins the race and my problem is 'head hunger' rather than actual hunger so I'm getting better at picking up on that.
Cripes, that's depressing. Oh well onwards and upwards hey?
C'mon Dano ~ you CAN do it!!! FFS just stick at something longer than 72 hours and do something about your weight....you deserve it, as do your babies!!!